Four Down. Eternity to Go.

Number 4 has come and gone and I feel like I just blogged about our 3rd anniversary. I remember my Young Women leaders always telling me the older you get the faster times goes by. Each year I understand a bit better what they meant. Which is why I'm still blogging about May and its August...

We both admitted this last year of our marriage has been our favorite. Not that we have many years to choose from, but I think we're finally starting to figure out what marriage is all about. We still have innumerable more things to learn and thankfully an eternity to do so. John Lennon says it best in one of his songs, "Grow old along with me. The best is yet to be. When our time has come, we will be as one..." It takes hard work, forgiveness, humility, charity, and in our case, graham crackers and milk to become one. Maybe one day I'll be able to share my milk with Heath...I'm still working on that. I'm so grateful I am married to a man who is determined to have a celestial marriage. I love you Guap.

To celebrate our love for each other, Heath and I took on a ropes course 50 ft above the ground at Utah Olympic Park. We loved it! Thanks to my parents for watching our little munchkins.

Happy 4th To Us!

Easter 2014

Events surrounding Easter this year helped our family ponder our Savior's role a bit more. How grateful I am for Him and His infinite atonement. Because of Him I can be with all those I love after this life. Because of Him I can be forgiven for my many shortcomings. Because of Him I can be strengthened to endure the trials of mortality. I truly love my Savior.

Heath's Grandma Marjorie passed away the week before Easter Sunday. I was often told I didn't know the real Grandma Marjie, but from all the stories I can tell she was an earthly angel. A couple years ago I made a special video about her for her 90th birthday. After interviewing all of her children and scanning and organizing 100+ photos of her life and posterity, I felt like I sure missed out not getting to be around the younger Marjorie. What a lady!

Her funeral was one of the happiest ones I've been to. Not at all because she was gone, but because she helped create a posterity that has testimonies of the gospel. The most tender moment of the funeral was hearing her sweet husband Grant sing, "Let Me Call You Sweetheart" at her graveside.
We love you Grandma Marjie!

Jack seemed to enjoy easter egg hunting quite a bit, but just like last year I think he would have been happy with 2 or 3 eggs. Once he found one, he would open it right up and enjoy the treat before moving on to the next. He even shared with Aunt Kristi and Grandma. Brock liked his chocolate treats just as much as his bro. Here's snaps of our Easter fun....

A $500 Lesson : Part Two

After thinking and thinking and driving Heath crazy by talking about it every second possible, I finally arranged to meet with the guy selling the camera. The craziness of that night was another witness to me I shouldn't have bought the camera.

We met the seller in Salt Lake and I checked the camera out. Everything was working perfectly just like he said, so I decided to buy it. While I was looking at it, Heath was meant to drive to the bank to withdraw the money to buy it. The only problem was, he couldn't find the bank. He drove up and down the street looking for it. Brock was screaming, Jack was hungry and whining, and Heath was frazzled, which rarely happens to him. He came back to get me without the cash. The seller was understanding and said he would take care of a few errands and meet up with us again after we were able to get the money. We drove through downtown and found another Key Bank. I walked up to the doors literally seconds after they had closed. I tried to withdraw from the ATM but it would only let me take out so much. I was $100 short and the seller wouldn't take a check. It was an extremely stressful and frustrating evening. The frustration wasn't the only indicator the purchase wasn't the right decision. While stopping to get some dinner, we past the bank Heath couldn't find. It was in plain sight! He drove past it multiple times. Then, while driving to the freeway on-ramp, we past another Key Bank. This one was even closer to where I was looking at the camera and I had made a deposit there the week before! We both couldn't figure out why getting to our bank turned into such a problem.

At the time I thought the frustration of the night was because I didn't end up getting the camera that I wanted. However, a few days later I was able to meet the seller again to pay for and pick it up. This didn't solve any of my frustration. Even after getting it, I still felt uneasy. Thinking it was just the anxiety of jumping into something new, I decided to move forward.

 I did enjoy figuring out how to use all the fancy buttons and started getting ready for the two weddings I would be filming at the end of December for some friends. I had a great time filming Natalie's Bridal shoot and her and Tona's wedding day. I learned so much and became excited about what this could become for me. Editing and creating a movie for them was even more captivating for me. Days later I took some footage for a friend at the airport, of her bother arriving home from his mission. With the footage, some pictures, and a great song, I made a fun video for him to remember his mission. At the very end of December, I did a 'love story' interview for Ashley Bayles Johns and her new husband Tyler that turned into a video for their wedding reception. Creating these videos was fun, challenging, inspiring, and energizing for me. I really love capturing special, even simple, moments and making them into a memorable keep sake.

Despite all my excitement and passion, there was still an underlying uneasiness. Slowly, I was realizing just how much I didn't know about filming. Learning something completely foreign while taking care of two kids under the age of two was overwhelming. I noticed I wasn't enjoying my boys because I was preoccupied with learning the fine points of filming. In fact being a mom was far from enjoyable; Jackie and Brockster were annoying me because they continually prevented me from being glued to the computer or camera like I wanted to be. I loved doing videography, but it didn't feel right.

One day during all of this, I couldn't take the conflicting feelings any longer. Brock was napping and Jack occupied throwing and chasing his football. I said a silent prayer. After reviewing everything that had happened up to that point, I began to recognize those moments of uncertainty as the answer I didn't necessarily want to hear. At that moment I knew this was not the right thing for me to be spending my time on. Once I told myself that, a feeling of peace rushed over me like a giant wave rolling into shore. Right then I decided to finish up the videos I committed to doing and end trying to pursue being a wedding videographer there, at least for now.

The irony behind this videography exploration is that I planned on naming my potential business "Skipping Rocks Productions". The reason being my desire to capture and focus on enjoying the simple things of life- like playing hide and seek with Jack, giving Brock the fishie a bath, listening to Heath talk about his much loved, fat, black ladies in the field, or skipping rocks on a still lake. The videography distracted me from doing just that.

I can testify that doing what Heavenly Father wants me to do made me feel a million times happier than doing what I wanted to do. I had good logic behind my decision to buy the camera, but He is much smarter than me! At the beginning of this post I mentioned I'm glad I spent $500 when I shouldn't have. It was the best money I've spent in a long time! It taught me how the spirit speaks to me, that I have an incredibly supportive husband, and where true joy comes from. Well, my boys and I have some rock skipping to go do now...

A $500 Lesson : Part One

This is really strange for me to say, but I'm glad I spent $500 when I probably shouldn't have! Let me explain...

Over the last couple of years I've really enjoyed editing our home videos and making little movies from our vacations, of the boys, and for birthday celebrations. I filmed two weddings thinking I would be interested in becoming a wedding videographer. I just used our little handheld camcorder and had a lot of fun doing it, especially the editing. I spent many months thinking what it would take to break into the wedding industry as a videographer. I knew I would need a professional camera to get better footage. My search on KSL classifieds began. After being deceived and making one poor purchase (that's another story in and of itself...) I was back to the search on KSL.

After more research on the top prosumer video cameras, I found an excellent used one in my price range- a Canon XL2 with less than 100 hours of use and in mint condition for $500. The guy selling it used it to film for National Geographic and ESPN. This camera is legit. Its like the mother of all professional video cameras.

Heath and I had several discussions about whether or not to spend more money on another camera. I knew it was something I want to pursue, but wasn't sure exactly what it would take to make happen. I about made myself go crazy by analyzing the pros and cons of the purchase for days. Here's a sample of some of my thoughts-

Pros:

It would give me the chance to pursue something I enjoy, something that challenges me, something that makes me excited. I haven't really felt that way about much since I've stopped running. Heath told me the benefits of me having a hobby would be well worth the $500. Another pro, is the potential for making the $500 back and then some. It would be great to have a little more income, even though school teaches make bank...ha.

Cons:

Its a lot of money to spend, when I know very little about filming. It's money we should be putting in our medical savings account. I was also unsure how I would balance learning how to work such a fancy camera and all the technical filming skills, learn how to develop a business, take care of my boys, prepare a lesson for YW's each week, cook, clean, etc.

I continued to flip-flop on how I felt about the entire idea. Sometimes I thought "yeah, I should pursue videography" and sometimes the opposite thoughts, "no, not such a good idea". We prayed for direction and I continued to feel torn. Overall I didn't feel that great about buying the camera, but my strong desire to purchase it clouded my ability to see that. Hindsight, I realize that was the spirit trying to guide me.

(to be continued...)

A Blessed Mom of Two

As I've expressed in an earlier post, I was extremely nervous to become a mom of two kids. Not only did I not have a clue how I would manage taking care of two kiddos, but with one of them being an 18 month old that has only two speeds- fast and faster, the task seemed impossible to me. It caused me a great deal of anxiety and stress. I was not excited to deal with another miserable recovery and possibly postpartum depression again after giving birth. Heath and I spent many moments on our knees asking for peace and comfort to come to me, for added strength, and good health. I must share my testimony that I know prayers are answered. Our Heavenly Father knows the trials we will be able to bare with his help. He does let us struggle to make us stronger, but He also sends us tender mercies exactly when we need them.

Answers to our prayers have come in many different ways. I was blessed with good health and a quick recovery after having Brock. I was able to do a mini triathlon six weeks after giving birth. It was tough for me, but felt so good to accomplish something like that again. Thanks to my awesome husband who cheered me on and watched the boys so I could train for it!  Gotta love those endorphins! Being able to exercise so soon has kept me energized to keep up with the Captain. I feel blessed to have had a healthy pregnancy and no complications after birth.

Jack got me pumped for the big race.

Glad the Captain was my partner for the run leg. 

I wasn't so lonely walking the 1.5 miles with him!

These two old foggies finished way ahead of me. 

I love how tough my parents are!

Not only was I healthy, but my little family has been as well. Heath, Jack, and Brock are strong healthy boys! I realize that has been a huge tender mercy from the Lord. It made the adjustment of another baby much easier for me. Jack's adjustment to being a big bro was also an answer to prayers. He has been a trooper. Of course he has rough days, just like I do, but overall it hasn't been very difficult on him. He LOVES Brock and is eager for the day his little brother can play pass with him.

Another blessing has come in the form of new employment. Heath's commute shortened from 80 minutes a day to 5 minutes. Goodbye Hillcrest Huskies, Hello Stansbury Stallions! Jack, Brock, and I get to see Heath much more now. He even comes home for lunch! We love it. It also means I have a little more help wrestling the boys. Heavenly Father knew it was something our family needed.

I have felt Heavenly Father's love in abundance as I have turned to him in prayer, seeking His help with the challenges of motherhood. He knows the trials and tender mercies we need. I'm grateful for the refining I am experiencing as I fulfill my role as a wife and mother. Spending all day with these two, is the most demanding and rewarding job I could ask for.

Moments with Captain Jack

For Easter this year, my mother-in-law gave us the church nursery manual to help us plan Family Fight Nights (my dad's term for FHE). This book has been a great tool to start teaching our Captain about the gospel. Our first lesson lasted 2 minutes. We started by singing 'Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam', which made Jack erupt into laughter every time we sang the word "sunbeam". Our lesson consisted of looking at a picture of a little boy and his mom praying and showing Jack how we fold our arms. Jack tried folding his arms once and then made it clear he was done with Family Fight Night. He hoped off the couch and started running all over the house. We tried encourage him to pray with us at dinner as well, but Jack would just stare at us and sometimes even giggle.

A few days later we were visiting Grandma and Grandpa in Kamas. Jack, my mom, and I sat down at the table for some lunch. My mom and I were chatting and began eating. Jack jabbered something at us loudly and when we looked him he folded his arms, bowed his head slightly, and mumbled something for a brief second. When he was done he started chowing down on his lunch. My mom and I were humbled and in awe. Thank you for reminding us to pray Jack! The same thing has happened many times since then. Multiple prayers are often offered by Jack through out any given meal. I pray that this will be the start of a lasting testimony for my sweet kiddo.

I never would have thought that a 2 minute lesson would have made much of an impact, but it did. I have a testimony of the prophets and apostles' counsel to hold Family Home Evening. I've seen the impact of FHE from a perspective as a daughter, sister, and now as a mother. Truly, by small and little things are great things brought to pass.

Brock's Story

It was the morning of July 15, 2013- sunny and hot. I was 4 days past my due date, beyond tired of pregnancy, and headed into the clinic for my 40 week checkup. Heath and Jack were with me, along with our bag for the hospital, with big hopes I would be able to be induced. For two weeks prior I had been having clusters of migraines, restless leg syndrome, and troubles sleeping. Enduring to the end has a whole new meaning for an overdue pregnant lady. Although I had a hard time admitting it at the time, deep down I knew it would all be worth it.

At the check up Dr. Rallison told me I was far enough along to be induced. He also striped my membranes to see if that would help the process along. Excitement rushed through me, thinking we would soon be meeting our new baby. But it was soon put on hold because after calling the hospital to see if I could be admitted, my doctor said labor and delivery was too full to take me for an induction. We made plans to come back later in the afternoon. After stopping at a few stores and meeting Grandma Annie for lunch, we were back at the clinic. This time the hospital had good news for us. They could take us at 3:45pm. It was a weird feeling knowing we would be having a baby soon without being in labor yet.

Jack took Grandma Annie back to our house for a fun sleep over and Heath and I headed to the Church History Museum on Temple Square to spend the last hour before our induction. However, after walking in I was sure I was finally in labor and had no desire to walk around the museum. I would have scheduled an induction sooner if I knew that's all it took to go into labor! I sat on a bench in the lobby while Heath took care of some phone calls. While sitting there and having a few contractions, I began to remember all the unpleasant things about giving birth and the miserable recovery I had with Jack. I became completely overwhelmed, scared, and on the verge of tears. Right at that moment Heavenly Father sent me a tender mercy. Playing on the large screen in the lobby was a message from President Uchtdorf about the restoration of the gospel. I can't recall what he testified of exactly, but I won't forget the incredible feeling of peace that overcame me. I knew everything was going to be fine.

That feeling of peace was soon interrupted by a really strong contraction. After it passed I walked outside and told Heath to get off the phone or I was going to the hospital without him. He decided he better listen to me and we made it to the hospital together. I'm so grateful for a such a supportive and patient husband. He offered me a great deal of comfort in those early hours of labor. After having an epidural we were able to spend time relaxing with each other while waiting for the big event.

Around 8:00pm we noticed my contractions were slowing down and I hadn't progressed much. I was dilated to a 6, so Heath was pretty sure he was going to lose the bet of when our newest little guy would arrive. He guessed 8:14. With my guess being 9:23, I wasn't likely to win either. Fearing I would be ready to push before my doctor finished a c-section that was about to begin, our nurse said they wouldn't give me pitocin until he was out of surgery. Close to 11:00pm, I was given a little pitocin and in 20 minutes I dilated from a 7 to 10 and was ready to push. Our nurse was a little rushed to get everything ready for the delivery! My epidural had worn off quite a bit, so I could feel lots of pressure and wanted this baby out. I warned the nurse of Heath's passing out incident during Jack's delivery, so she was kind enough to put a chair behind him for me. And Heath kept his promise to me and used the chair, even though he said he wouldn't need to, rather than passing out! He was feeling better just in time. After 10 minutes of pushing we finally laid eyes on our precious new baby! As I held him in my arms, I was overcome with love. Its all worth it. 

Before weighing him, Heath and I and the nurses all guessed he would be around 7.5lbs. None of us could believe it when 8.09 popped up on the scale! He wasn't letting anyone win bets on his stats that night. 

Naming this little guy was a struggle. Miles was my top pick. Tommy was Heath's. We could only agree on Brock and Owen. Eventually, Heath gave me permission to write down whatever I wanted on the social security paper. Before seeing him I would have picked Miles in a heartbeat, but after two days of staring at him in the hospital he looked like a Brock to me. So welcome to the family little Brock!

Brock Kerry Bleazard

Born:  July 15, 2013

At:  11:30pm

Weight:  8 lbs 1 oz

Length:  21.5 inches long

Restless Legs, Restless Mind, Restless Heart

Its well past midnight and I can't sleep- just like last night and the night before that and the night before that. Having the privilege to be pregnant also means I get the privilege to have restless leg syndrome the final weeks of my pregnancy. It has kept me up for many nights and therefore caused many migraines. Migraines while being 40 weeks prego are a completely different story we won't get into....Thank goodness for a sweet husband, caring mother, and modern medicine!

Its not good for a woman large with child to have so many hours to think and feel every tiny contraction/braxton hick. Not only are my legs restless, but my mind and heart are as well. Like most expectant mothers during their last few weeks, I can't stop wondering when my little man is going to come. My emotional and mental state is beyond ready for him to get out, but he seems perfectly content where he is-- sounds an awful lot like his big bro. Even though the last week has past by so slowly, I know I need to be patient and soak in the few joys of being pregnant because once he is here time will fly by. Before I know it, he will be running all over the house and yard with his brother, not wanting much to do with his mamma. He will grow up too fast for my liking.

Captain Big Brother has kept me busy throughout this pregnancy. I feel like I haven't had much time to ponder about and get excited for this new little being about to join our family. Thinking back to when we found out we were expecting, I have to admit I was not happy. It was a big surprise and frankly, there were slim chances I should have become pregnant- if you know what I mean...However, with an eternal perspective, I realize Heavenly Father knows what he is doing. It is the right time for this little soul to come to earth and join our family. I also know being a parent is one of the greatest ways our maker molds us into Gods and Goddesses like Himself. Pregnancy is part of that process too. Learning patience, trust in the Lord's timing, and reliance on Him for extra strength have all been lessons I have needed to learn. Maybe if I would learn these things quicker my heart and mind wouldn't be so restless. Who knows about my legs...

Although I'm trying to be patient, I can't wait to meet you, hold you, and kiss you little man! 

We love you already.

Calming A 39 Week Pregnant Woman

I have never done well dealing with stressful situation, especially when the end result is completely out of my hands. Being 37 weeks pregnant and thrown into one of those situations is even worse. Two weeks ago at my check-up it came to the surface that the clinic I go to did not have our insurance information correct. Just after finding out we were pregnant our insurance changed. At one of my first appointments I gave the office our new insurance card, they made a copy of it, and I didn't think any more of it for the next 7 months. Somehow our new information did not get put into their system, but to make matters worse, my doctor doesn't accept our insurance! How did this happen?! I kicked myself for not double checking that my doctor was a provider for our plan. I figured because our new insurance worked with IHC and my doctor did all was well, we were good to go. I also assumed the clinic would let me know if there were any issues. Somehow we both messed up and now being 39 weeks pregnant I still don't know who is going to deliver my baby. To spare you all the details of the many many phone calls I've made to the insurance company, I'll just say we are waiting for them to decide if they will make an exception and consider my doctor to be a provider just for this pregnancy and delivery.

Naturally I was stressed, emotional, and devastated when all of this happened. I really like my doctor and trust in his experience and judgement. He has a solid character and integrity as well, for which I am grateful. Realizing much of this was the clinics fault, he told me he would wave as much of the expenses as he could if the insurance wouldn't cooperate. He also has continued to see me for checkups and did two needed ultrasounds free of charge. Not only am I grateful for an understanding doctor, but for a loving Heavenly Father. After my appointment when the unfortunate news surfaced, I got in my car and completely broke down. All the stressful tears I had held back inside the clinic were freely flowing. Worry about what this could do to us financially overcame me. I said a silent prayer the whole way home and felt a peaceful reassurance everything would work out. Peace and comfort has filled my heart many times over the last two weeks as I've waited for everything to get sorted out. Although waiting to hear from our insurance and waiting for a baby to come is an unpleasant combination, I still feel at peace. Putting my confidence in the Lord by turning to him through prayer has help me deal with the crazy situation. The Atonement is real and infinite- so infinite it can calm an emotional pregnant woman's heart and mind. I'm truly grateful to know I have a Savior, a wise Heavenly Father, and knowledge of the Plan of Happiness.

Pregnancy The Second Time Around

Being pregnant the second time around is much less exciting. With Jack I knew exactly how many weeks and days I was into the pregnancy. I wrote down my blood pressure, current weight, pregnancy weight gain, belly measurement, and Jack's heart rate after every doctor's appointment. And I could have probably told you how many times I felt him move around throughout the day. My first pregnancy felt like it was never going to end, like Jack was never going to get here, but with good reason because he was a week late. The nine months were full of anticipation, excitement and plenty of nerves.

Everything seems to be quite the opposite this time around. I can't keep track of what week I'm on, I don't remember many, if any, of the stats from my last doctor appointment, and it seems like I just found out I was pregnant, not about to start my third trimester. The last 5 months have been a whirlwind for me and before I know it I'm going to have two little munchkins!

That thought, however, does provoke very similar feelings I had during my first pregnancy. I do get excited and wonder- Is he going to look like his big brother? What are we going to name him? Are he and Jack going to be best buds? What's his personality going to be like? I have been excited for this little guy to come, but there's lots of nerves this time around as well- How am I going to handle TWO?? Two under the age of two?!! What if this little guy has as much energy as Jack?! Will the recovery be as rough with this one?

Everyone says its much easier with two. But even if they are wrong, I know its possible. Its possible because of love. When I get tired of feeling the aches and pains of pregnancy and the frustrations and exhaustions of motherhood, Jack reminds me why its worth it. One glimpse of him finding the cat on each page of his favorite book and saying "meow" or doing his signature dance move when he hears music he likes, then I know I can do it. I can handle the sleepless nights, the meltdowns, the ligament and hip pains, the blow outs, the stretch marks, the picky eating, the labor and delivery, the protests, and the postpartum recovery. Its possible and its worth it because of love. I know I'm going to love this little guy just as much as I love Jack. He'll bring with him his own set of special skills to torment and frustrate me, but also an abundance of moments that melt my heart and fill me with indescribable joy.

For the record, and to help me remember...

I am 24 weeks and 3 days

Approx. 15 weeks and 4 days left.

Becoming A Better Me

I usually don't write about my birthday, but I had such a great experience I wanted to record it. The last couple of years I noticed I had felt a little sorry for myself on my birthday. If we're honest- Heath isn't very creative. He will admit it too! Planning something fun for me or surprising me isn't how he thinks to show his love. Silly to have a pity party over- I know. This year I was busy with Jack's birthday, planning an extended family party, my church calling, doctor appointments, etc so I hadn't even thought about my birthday. When Heath asked me what I wanted to do, I didn't know what to tell him. I had plans to go to lunch with my mom and sister Jamie, so I decided we should go to the temple since a baby sitter was already on hand.

I love how I feel at the temple. I never want to leave the Celestial room. Heath and I had a wonderful time there. I also had the opportunity to help a sister in a wheel chair get dressed after our session. Long story short, this sister was told someone working at the temple could help her, but turns out they have a policy against it for legal issues and no one was there to help her. By offering to help, I was able to spend time with a spiritual giant! This sister, who was probably in her mid 40's, had a stroke last August. This was her first time back to the temple since. She radiated with the spirit. After I strolled her out to meet her husband, I felt so much love for her.

While driving home I was uncontrollably happy. I began thinking about the day I had and the contrast from previous birthdays that were good, but nothing special. This birthday was special. I had a greater connection with my Savior and caught a glimpse of who I can be with his help. I was in tune to the spirit and was more aware of others than myself. I was filled with love. I felt pure happiness. All of that was a million times better than having a day all about me, being spoiled, or surprised. I hope to make it to the temple every year on my birthday. I can't think of a better way to celebrate the day I was born than to focus on serving others, strive to become more like my Savior, and ultimately become a better me. That's why we came here in the first place isn't it?